I recently asked a client to describe his multi-faceted role, to which he replied, 'I don't really define myself in any particular way. I suppose I'm the department manager'.
This statement was quite profound as it expressed at the highest level all the reasons why he was finding it so difficult to make some important life and career decisions, and why he was uncomfortable in his current role. He was also under some pressure from his CEO to provide his team with leadership. The conversation offered an insight to the key constructs of his thinking that were keeping him from deciding about his career. I thought - 'could this be a tipping point for change?' And I began to challenge the underlying beliefs and values with some searching questions as follows:
Transition Coaching
'So if you don't define you, who does?'
'In what way have you been defining yourself?
'How do you define yourself in a non-particular way?'
'Do you have one definition, or are there others?'
The responses to these questions over the next hour or so explored many angles of 'being defined' and 'being non-defined' for example:
'Who has been doing the defining?'
'Do you let anyone define you, or is that task given to someone special in your life?'
'What would the consequences be of being defined in that way?'
'What would it be like to be non-defined?'
In a professional context people you meet at work will be defining you in their own terms as to whether they see you as someone who is able or unable to influence others, does or doesn't have ideas, does or doesn't get things done, is decisive or uncertain, is hard-working or lazy, etc. We have all met the person who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bead but whose actions are inconsistent.
There are various ways you can be defined. At one level there's the way you feel about yourself and the sense of definition this gives you. At another level there are the things that you do that others will observe and use to define you. Then there are job descriptions, personality profilers, professions, parents, siblings, bosses, colleagues that all have an input to defining the person you are. The ego also has a role to play here - even if it's in defining what you're not.
So in order to have a fulfilling role to play in society at large, and in the world of work; and to provide others with leadership, does it help to be defined? And at what level of detail need your definition be? The more detailed definitions are likely to limit life experiences, as they will clearly define which activities to engage in and which to avoid. At a more global level you may decide to have a life signature that describes you and what you do in general terms, but leaves you with many options for discovery. What if you like the way you are defined but you are unhappy with the results you are getting?
When considering any definition it pays to recognise where extreme thinking patterns may be acting against you. The first is called the 'Sameness' pattern that will want to keep you exactly as you are. All attempts to even entertain the idea that you could be defined differently will create stress. Then there's the killer 'Options' pattern that will allow you to be defined only if you leave open the option to revert the decision, modify it, or change it for a new one anytime you feel like it.
So how do you feel about, think of, or see your own definition? Which of the following statements, if any, appeal to you the most?
I want to be remembered by...
I want to be remembered as...
I want to be remembered for...
I want to be remembered.
I don't want to be remembered...
Self-awareness is a great place to start if you are looking to change your definition, even slightly. Some people seek new definitions to support their performance in a new work role or promotion. Others are seeking to improve their results, or be more confident. Some people are just uneasy with their work situation or their life as a whole and want something better.
Perhaps the first step could be a definition of the more desired self, then a definition of the current self. The next step would be to find a way to bridge the gap and make the transition. Then you will have learned how to make transitions.
I once coached a manager who defined his stress filled day as 'It's like I'm a traffic cop, directing maniacal drivers and trying to stop them crashing into one another'. Some time later he decided his new definition was more likely to get him results and would be far less stressfull, 'a dance teacher, helping people to keep in step with the music'.
How Do You Define Yourself?
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